Gary Shteyngart: Crying Myself to Sleep on the Icon of the Seas
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Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos,” he seems to be saying.
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In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace, who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt?
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There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers.
For a fun shopping mall experience with a quintessential Miami vibe, head to Bayside Marketplace. This mall has open-air walkways leading to over 100 shops. At this mall, you’ll also find restaurants and bars, street performers and live music, and even a launchpad for boat tours along the Miami coastline. If you’re a beach lover, head to Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park. It’s located on Key Biscayne and has some of America’s most beautiful beaches, along with hiking trails that lead to views of Miami’s downtown skyline. A big draw for travelers to the park is the historic lighthouse, where you can take a tour with a guide on select days of the week.
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Secure your transit arrangements in advance and set the stage for a relaxed, carefree voyage from the moment you step aboard our train. Walk around Puerto Plata’s bustling Malecón boardwalk, which is full of restaurants, bars, and friendly street vendors. Take pictures in front of colorful colonial buildings located in the town’s historic districts. Ride a cable car—the only one in all of the Dominican Republic—up to the top of Mount Isabel de Torres and enjoy unrivaled views of this charming port city. Embrace the kitsch of Key West, a quirky coastal town in Florida with a fun, laidback attitude and excellent snorkeling opportunities.
I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity. The state-of-the-art terminal at the Port of Miami is designed to quickly move people through check-in and onto the ship.
A look inside the Icon of the Seas, world's biggest cruise ship - MSN
A look inside the Icon of the Seas, world's biggest cruise ship.
Posted: Sun, 21 Apr 2024 13:40:15 GMT [source]
He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military. I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance.
This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care. Pinnacles, it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz, an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations.
They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long.
The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise.
The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD, or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.
(Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. Little Havana is the epicenter of Cuban culture in Miami. A walk down Calle Ocho will give you a good taste of all that Little Havana has to offer, from cuisine to bars and souvenirs. Visit El Credito Cigar Factory, where you can see how they roll cigars in Cuba.
We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands.
As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air.
“We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic.
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